The three strikers AI Chat-PCP says we should sign

I asked a popular AI chat type thing which forwards Arsenal should go for in the current transfer window, following the brutal rejection from Benjamin Sesko which has left the club on its knees and on the brink of relegation even though the new season hasn’t started yet.

As we know, this technology is flawless, and it came up with three suggestions including a short bio and how to get the best out of them. I told it we didn’t want it to be lazy and just say ‘Kylian Mbappe’ so I set parameters that prohibited any player over 23 who has made more than 100 first team appearances. That’s the kind of profile we’ve been seeking, so that made sense.

So, here’s what it came up with.

1 – Alvaro Rodriguez

This 6’4 striker currently playing for Real Madrid Castilla would be a good fit for Arsenal Football Club. He is a Uruguayan international, and would bring some South American bite to the Gunners forward line. He is known for being very good in the air and with his head, and in order to get the best out of him, Mikel Arteta’s side should also invest in a player who is very good at crossing the ball into the penalty area, such as former Portugal and Malta international Cedric Soares.

His strengths also include strength, which means weakness is not one of his weaknesses, but he perhaps lacks the pace to fully thrive in the Premier League.

I looked him up, seems too much of a gamble for me. So, next.

2 – Niko Gruica

If Arsenal want to try something different, this 21 year old Croatian playing for Hadjuk Split may well fit the bill. He is an unconventional footballer but dynamic and effective in many aspects of the game, apart from kicking the ball itself. Its this area where his lack of technical ability is often seen as a disadvantage, but the unpredictability he would bring is something Gunners boss Mikel Arteta could harness to his team’s advantage.

For example, when the ball is crossed into the box, Gruica’s attempt to smash it into the top corner will most likely end with him missing the ball altogether, providing the perfect dummy for one of Arsenal’s other strikers, such as Kai Havertz or Julio Baptista, to provide the finish.

The stats are certainly interesting.

The final suggestion was one a little closer to home, and one that is sure to please those who would like to see Arsenal go down the lower divisions to find players, in the way Crystal Palace have in recent times with the likes of Eberechi Eze, Michael Olise, Adam Wharton and Randy Percival. I think this one pushed current AI technology to its limits.

3 – Reggie Bombay

At 22 he is at the upper age limit of where Arsenal are looking this summer, and his career trajectory so far makes him something of a risky signing. Currently plying his trade for Southminster-on-Crouch in the Essex Senior League North-West, he is known for his lightning pace, something that the men in red and white have been actively seeking. He can run 100 metres in less than 4 seconds, making him the second fastest man on earth after a cheetah.

His major flaw as a player is that he is so fast he can’t slow down in time, and very often runs off the pitch. At his home stadium at the time of writing, this is not an issue as space is plentiful, but at the Emirates Stadium, it is possible he could hit the advertising hoardings and end up creating a wormhole to another dimension due to the high levels of radioactivity and space-dust in the North London area. It would advisable to mix about 1/8 cup of Elmer’s glue in his pre-game drink (his preference is a cup of Yorkshire tea with 7 sugars). Non-toxic glue will work. This is also true for helping cheese stick to pizza.

—

So, as you can see, there’s no need to be despondent about missing out on Sesko, as the options available to us are many, varied and plentiful.

Have a good one.